Why We Overlook Red Flags
The Subtle Forces That Blind Us to Red Flags in Dating
Most of us can look back on at least one relationship and see warning signs we missed. At the time, those signals were easy to explain away. Maybe we wanted the relationship to work. Maybe we were caught up in chemistry. Or maybe we weren’t sure what our discomfort really meant. The reality is that people often don’t ignore red flags on purpose. We miss them for very human reasons.
This article isn’t about listing red flags you should watch out for. Plenty of those already exist. Instead, it explores the psychological and emotional factors that make red flags easy to overlook, drawing on insights from experts like Esther Perel, John Gottman, and relationship coach Matthew Hussey, as well as therapeutic perspectives on the deeper beliefs that shape our choices. By understanding why warning signs slip past us, and learning ways to stay grounded in future relationships, we can begin to reclaim clarity and protect our wellbeing in dating.
The Pull of Chemistry and Infatuation
That spark at the beginning can be intoxicating. It’s the butterflies, the late-night conversations, the feeling that you’ve finally met “your person.” While attraction is exciting, it doesn’t always guarantee compatibility or emotional safety. Sometimes what feels magnetic is actually familiarity with old, unhealthy patterns. If you grew up feeling unseen or uncertain in your closest relationships, you may find yourself drawn to partners who recreate those feelings without realising it.
The rush of early infatuation, sometimes called “limerence,” can make this pull even stronger. The heightened emotional and physical state can overshadow concerns or doubts, leaving you less able to see patterns clearly. If a relationship is moving very quickly or feels all-consuming, it may be worth slowing down to ask whether the excitement is masking deeper incompatibilities. Chemistry and intensity can be thrilling, but they should not be the only measures of a healthy relationship, especially if they tempt you to overlook unkind or inconsistent behaviour.
Hope and the “Maybe They’ll Change” Trap
When problems appear, it’s natural to hold on to hope. As Esther Perel has observed, modern relationships carry immense expectations: we want passion, friendship, stability, and intimacy, often all from one person. So, when warning signs emerge, we convince ourselves that things will improve. We tell ourselves that the other person just needs time, or that we can make it work if we try harder. Hope can keep us engaged, but it can also keep us stuck. As Matthew Hussey points out, if someone is clearly telling you they aren’t ready or willing to show up in a healthy way, taking them at their word may save you from years of waiting for change that never comes.
Self-Doubt and Ignoring Your Gut
Many people notice subtle signs of trouble early on but quickly question themselves: “Maybe I’m overreacting” or “Maybe I’m too sensitive.” If you’ve had experiences where your feelings were dismissed, it’s easy to assume the other person must be right and your instincts are wrong. Yet our bodies often pick up on signals our minds aren’t ready to acknowledge. That unease is worth listening to. Consistently rationalising discomfort in order to keep the peace may mean ignoring the very intuition that’s there to protect you.
When Harm Feels Normal
If you’ve grown up in an environment shaped by conflict, chaos, or neglect, it can dull your sense of what’s acceptable. Harmful behaviours may not stand out because they feel familiar. You may even find yourself explaining things away with “It’s not that bad,” while friends or family are alarmed by what you’re describing. John Gottman’s research underscores how easy it is to dismiss subtle but corrosive behaviours. He found that contempt is the strongest predictor of relational breakdown. A sarcastic tone or an eye-roll may seem trivial, but over time these micro-behaviours chip away at connection and respect. Part of recognising red flags is learning not to normalise the very behaviours that erode trust.
Fear of Abandonment and Love Bombing
When we fear being left, we sometimes cling tightly to relationships, even when they are causing us harm. Intense attention in the beginning, sometimes known as “love bombing,” can feel irresistible, especially if we are craving security or validation. Once attached, the idea of leaving can feel unbearable, and we may minimise serious issues just to avoid loss.
Underlying abandonment fears often come from earlier experiences of inconsistency or rejection, which can create the belief that being alone is unsafe or that love must be “earned.” These beliefs make it harder to walk away, even when the relationship feels unhealthy. Learning to separate genuine care from overwhelming intensity, and challenging the idea that you must hold on at all costs, can help protect against staying in harmful dynamics.
Putting Others First and Carrying the Fix
Some people are so used to prioritising others that they ignore their own needs, staying in relationships to avoid upsetting someone else. Others feel an overdeveloped sense of responsibility for “fixing” the relationship or their partner, believing that leaving would mean failure. Both patterns can keep you stuck in dynamics that drain you rather than support you. These tendencies often have roots in early experiences. Growing up in an environment where love or approval felt conditional can lead to the belief that your worth depends on keeping others happy. This belief makes it harder to set boundaries or to recognise when you are taking on too much responsibility. Healthy love does not require you to sacrifice your needs or shoulder all the responsibility for change. It requires balance, reciprocity, and care on both sides.
Accepting Emotional Distance as Normal
If you’ve experienced emotional neglect, it may feel natural to expect little from others. This can lead to accepting emotionally distant or inconsistent partners, not because it is fulfilling, but because it feels familiar. You may even believe that no one will ever really “get” you. Emotional neglect can also create the belief that your needs are a burden, which makes it easier to rationalise distance as “just how relationships are.” Over time, this belief can lower your expectations and keep you from asking for more connection or intimacy. Yet partners who are emotionally available and responsive do exist, and recognising these patterns as blind spots is a key step toward not settling for less than you deserve.
External Pressures and Myths
Cultural narratives, family expectations, or myths like “compatibility is everything” can also make it harder to walk away. But research suggests that adaptability, emotional connection, and how conflict is managed matter far more than surface compatibility. Social media adds another layer of pressure. The curated images of “perfect couples” can make it harder to trust your own experience when your relationship feels less glossy in comparison. Dating apps can also reinforce the idea that there is an ideal match waiting if you just keep swiping, which can lead to either settling too quickly or holding on too tightly.
Esther Perel notes that relationships are shaped through “millions of micro-risks” — small, everyday acts of openness that either deepen trust or chip away at it. When outside pressures push us to stay, we may ignore those micro-moments of disconnection, hoping the bigger picture will balance out. Recognising that these subtle signals matter can help you separate what you truly want from what you think you “should” want.
Steps to Support Healthier Connections
Overlooking red flags doesn’t mean you are weak. It means you are human. Love, hope, fear, and habit are powerful forces. By understanding why you might miss early warning signs, you can begin to make choices that protect your wellbeing. Here are some ways to stay grounded:
Slow down when emotions run high: Give yourself space to observe behaviour before making big commitments.
Check in with yourself: Ask whether you are downplaying discomfort to avoid conflict or loneliness.
Trust your instincts: You don’t have to catch every red flag, but you can honour the ones you do see.
Seek perspective: Friends, family, or a therapist can help you notice what you might be minimising.
Work with a therapist: Therapy can help you identify patterns such as abandonment fears, people-pleasing, or rescuing tendencies that make it harder to see warning signs clearly.
Look for patterns, not perfection: Not every difficulty is a red flag. The key is whether concerning behaviours are followed by accountability and genuine change, or whether they repeat and escalate over time.
Set boundaries early: Communicate your needs clearly and notice whether they are respected.
Stay present, not in detective mode: You do not need to search for flaws; instead, stay grounded in how the relationship feels over time.
By learning to understand why red flags can be easy to overlook, and by equipping yourself with strategies to slow down, seek perspective, and notice patterns, you can protect your wellbeing and open the door to healthier, more fulfilling connections.